"When I die put that book on my tombstone"

"Horrible. Stop shaming our ancestors"

"If you search dad's holding guns behind their daughters in prom dresses it's a whole genre"

"When I say 111 but I mean 113 you should know that"

You're gonna be late and I'm not writing passes. Go, go, go!

"Think fasterer."

"Have you ever been bullied? I have. Have your comebacks planned. And yell at the mean girls"

"I'm picking on you. Because it's fun. And because I'm mean"

"This is called history with Mr George. It's all made up."

"1st thing to remember, I'm not the person to care about your feelings"

"The first step to problem solving is cry"

"Watch out, captain sarcasm might come back to get you."

"I've been here since the earth cooled and I still don't know where anything is"

"If you moved past step two, you failed your test, you cried, and now you wanna be a winner…"

"English is my second language. I don't have a first language"

"I just dumped pixie dust on you. You're brave now"

"I gotta take role, this is a tragedy."

"If I said 'life or death, figure out that rhythm' you'd probably be dead"

"I made the Mozart better. He forgot he needed bells. He didn't write a part for instruments that didn't exist yet"

"I don’t even care if it's not true. It's a good story"

"When you have to bring your stuff to the office, you know you're in trouble. Because your going to ️✧jail️️✧"

"Three blind mice is really weird. They got their tails cut off or something. Someone look it up"

"Let's all boo the bad people"

"We need to have a public shunning. We haven't had one of those in a while. Make them live in a clearing in the woods"

"Stand on a chair… which is highly dangerous. .. Just don't hit a sprinkler"

"Sneakier, please"

"I've taught you so much about comedy over the years"

"I got up this morning and thought ‘Imma make people do things they don't wanna do’"

"We need to wait for Jacob. He's the glue that holds us together. We can't play without Jacob. Our spiritual leader."

"What is today, national bad counting day?"

"Stop. All the neighborhood dogs are tilting their heads now"

"Tell the sharp 'you're not the boss of me'. Pretend you're 8. All the time."

"Some of your parents are very intense. I'm gonna get some angry emails later saying 'I noticed fill-in-the-blank got a 2/15. Should I beat them or…?'"

"This is my favorite thing in the world. Being confusing"

"Get more better or the smell of death will be in the air"

"I can't buy ice cream sandwiches for everyone I'm poor"

"That must be a world record in terrible playing."

"Don't give anything to your dad. It'll go into a black hole of… whatever dad does with things."

"I'm in the way on purpose"

Look what I got in my pocket. Halloween candy. That I ate last night at 9 o'clock like a five year old."

"Why do I tell you these things?"

"I'm 100% making this up like I do with all my stories. They're usually only like 8% factual. Don't let the facts get in the way of the comedy"

"A little less tiktok, a little less Instagram, and a little more dooDOOdooDOOdooDOO"

"The only bigger pessimists than me are dead"

"Oh look there's a bird in the window. What else have we seen from that window? A bird, the top of a truck, and a man in the tree"

"Oh my god shut up and eat the food"

"No pooping on the bus unless it is literally the end of the world"

"Hello my Amish friends"

"We can be like Stonehenge and pound stakes in the ground to figure out when the solstice is"

"I've made a decision, I'm going metric. Just say things in meters to confuse people"

"Do you know how to tell if I'm being sarcastic? If my lips are moving"

"It has a shape, do you hear it?"

"When I was in theater we would take the tape and make little tape balls to throw at each other"

"We're civilized. We're not grinding chips into the carpet"

"We were going out with our fancy friends. And my wife said 'wear your fall colors'... I said 'I have blue…'"

"Don't let Gerald get you"

"Go lay down and find a place to slowly expire"

"Anything on TikTok you shouldn't try unless it's a recipe."

"I wonder if they use straight jackets anymore"

"In math the teacher goes 'everybody got it?' *sarcastic nod* mhm. LYING LIARS. Then you go home on the internet and figure stuff out and then cry. CHEATING CHEATERS. That's how you do it. You cheat your way through life."

"We don't like Disney cause Disney is mean and doesn't discount"

"I'm such a good teacher. I tell you your bad and then I don't help you"

"I can smell the thinking"

"What are you dressing up as? World's biggest nerds? Wait, you don't have to do anything for that. Your already there EYOOOO"

"We also need an intonation leader. Like someone who takes people out back. Like a gang."

"I can only be pleasant for so long."

"I used to wear a watch everyday. Up until like a month ago. Its so freeing. Like 'do you know what time it is?'  NOPE"

"You need to go down. Not down to the basement, but down to like... the second floor"

"The plucking is gonna make me wanna throw something. The only thing i see here is a trombone piece and that might hurt…"

"I bet this is non-english speakers' favorite word: sleigh. Like it looks like 'sleyig-ha' or something. And the -ough words are the worst too."

"Ew. That was bad. I don't know who to blame."

"Don't care about superheroes. Care about the rhythm."

"If we get stuck in here we write sad goodbye texts to our families. Then we cry."

"Don't confuse me for a person who cares about your feelings"

"Stop. STAHWP. Stop having fun. We're grinding right now"

"My great uncle got his prom date pregnant in 1930 so I give a prom PowerPoint so you don't accidentally get pregnant"

"This is so I know you're real and not a hologram"

"Then I'll get fired for smacking you. Don't get me fired on the trip"

"No one uses the 9 on a microwave. It kinda just sits there hoping to be used."

"Earlier in the year my brain was like 'Sure I can do that'  but now my brain is like 'That was dumb, why did I do that?'"

"Did I tell you guys I'm TikTok famous?"

(goes into a story about the 600k views on a bathroom TikTok for 5 straight minutes)

"You know, this was a banger in 1580"

"Mrs. George does this thing, and I can't yell at her because, you know, WIFE. She goes ‘I need you to… …find the thing where...’"

"No one sits in the back corner. Except young lovers… it's dark"

"Bad. Bad. Don't fall asleep. Someone draw on him or something."