INTRODUCTION

    How can you prepare for a tragic lost? It no way to make

  preparations for the loss of your child. There’s no way to be able to

 reorganize your existence in this society. You feel like your held

 captive to the period of the worst day of your life. Like the never-

 ending torment at no time will vanish. There’s no emotion I have not felt or is still feeling every day since my baby went away. One thing I REALIZED EARLY ON, is that you are not alone even if you feel that you are. There is most definitely a higher power, I saw it with my own two eyes  Let me ask you these questions, do you believe in a higher power? What do you have to lose? Nothing.

 But what do we have to gain? Having the faith, we will see our children or love one again and that’s the gain. In this small diary you will get the real from me and some of you will not understand. I started this book at the peak of my tragedy. I can finally say I have gone through my five stages of grief. I want to share with you there is light at the end of your tunnel. 

STAGE ONE DENIAL

       The first six months of my life after April 13, 2015 I shook my head in denial. NO, NO,  NO, I would say out loud to myself. I would call his name and think he would come running. I  knew my baby was gone but I just could not believe it. Sleeping was not an option the only thing I 

 could see was the blood flooding the streets coming from my baby and try to find out who killed him. My mind would take me to the ambulance ride, cars not moving and the pot holes and ditches in the streets making his blood come out more. This can’t be me, how could this be my

  life? I would pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming or wake up in the middle of the night praying to God that he’s in his room sleeping. God 

 Please! Not my baby, I said it often and sometimes I 

 catch myself saying it now. In the place that I’m in now, I understand why God took my baby. It was because it’s a test of my faith. Not to mention I am now a warrior, whom will inspire  many people in the near future.

    I suppose that gruesome time in my being will weigh heavily on my conscious. I have come to terms that day will prey on my brain until I perish.               There are five stages of grief Denial being the 1st. Keep in mind there are no timing limit to get over denial. When you lose someone, you love you’ll always wish someone pinch you to awake you from your nightmare.

 STAGE TWO ANGER

 Do your love out weight your hate? 

      The rage that I feel at times are still relevant in my life. I sometimes feel more aggravated with God than then lady whom was responsible for my son’s death. Why would he take a child  from a loving mother like me? You’re the higher why didn't you shield my baby? How can you 

 not give me the chance to make this right? Is there even a God? Does he even have a heart? Why  not me instead? How can let this horrendous accident be my reality? Why! Why! Why! How am

  I supposed to forgive this woman? There’s not a question that I haven’t asked. 

 I supposed to forgive this woman? There’s not a question that I haven’t asked.  Sometimes I hold my breath as long as I can. I lay on my bed at times and imagine blood  draining from my cranium instead of my baby. When you lose a child in a horrific manner one big mission before you leave the earth is to have revenge, and boy did it weigh on my heart heavily. I wanted that monster to lose her whole family, and to suffer in heartache. I wanted her to feel how I felt. Like she was stripped from her once called life. 

 As time progress I learned hating her or God would not bring my baby back. It only furthered me from peace and moving forward. I had to come to terms that there is a higher power, as much as I hated to admit it.  My son is doing so much better in his new address.

 That’s the only way that I can live on. The love for my baby met more than the hate, rage, and anger I held in my heart. Losing my baby made me a better person. Never in a billion’s years would I think to admit it. His heart was pure, he was a joyful, happy, intelligent, loving son, brother, grandchild, and cousin since birth. He was and still is very special to us and if he’s watching over me, I need to show him my heart can be as pure as his. They say all babies and children make it into heaven. I will proceed with the  premeditation of an honest soul, so that when it’s my time I maybe with my baby again. So, I’m 

 going to answer my own question that I stated in the beginning. Yes, my love outweighs my hate because only love can drawn out hatred.

STAGE THREE BARGAINING

      Take me instead Lord, why not me! Please take this pain away, I’ll do anything. What have I done to deserve this? If you could just give me one more chance, I won’t bother you again.  I wanted to go through something horrible for me to just see my baby again. Let this be a  nightmare no one but me remembers. PLEASE!!!  I still wish I was in a nightmare; the truth of the matter is I will long for my baby until the  day that I die. When you lose a child you never stop being a mother. Your motherly instinct

never goes away.