No animals, humans, or feelings were hurt in the making of this. Only the author's dignity.

Welcome, mortals... to your doom! Mwa ha ha ha oh. Sorry, I'm so used to narrating spooky and scary tales but money's been tight so here I am today. Any who where was I.

The lights are out, how unfortunate. Tonight we will tell the most scariest, most captivating, most... Who am I kidding I'm just getting paid to read this. This is a homework assignment written by a teenager.

I am your narrator, Jack. I'm kidding its Anthony and since another storybook was assigned, sadly today we will be reading this story and by we I mean myself, alone in the dark in my trailer home.



Starring...

"Main Character" Maddie

Llama Pet Jessica

Princess Mallory

Still Annoying Sidekick Ella

Shark Mom Sarah

Spooky Ghost Marah

Adorable Bunny Steven

Wait a second. Why are there opening credits? It's a book. And nobody knows these people too. This makes no sense.

Anthony, stop interrupting. We got to do this in one take. Look your only other option is doing pumpkin pie commercials. It's us or the pie.

You're right but I'm only staying because I don't have legs and I don't want to be lifted out into an Uber. But why did you guys not pay for the electric bill?

No more questions. Editor roll the opening credits.

Uber Driver Raymhon

Evil Villain Maggie

And unfortunately...

The Narrator Anthony

A Long time ago

in a Kindom far far away

(Cough Cough Star Wars Cough Cough)

We continue our story right where the last one ended. Back with our beloved main character. Jessica, the pet llama.

That's me. (Canned laughter track)

Wait a second?

Still under the care of her unlikable owner, Maddie the "Main Character" (but not really) They lived alone but financially happy as her adventuring job had been bringing in the dough.

Let's go get my 24 caret, all exclusive platinum, fancy smancy bracelet.

Since when do you talk?

Hold up. Since when was the llama talking and why is it the main character? And why are they living alone? Didn't she live with her mentor. She's a kid!

Anthony, stop breaking the fourth wall its in your contract. We're 13 slides in and we haven't even started talking about primary succession.

Fourth wall? What do you mean stop breaking the fourth wall? This is a book. I can't break it. Now I want answers!

Ok, the llama is now the main character because she was everyone's favorite part. Everybody likes the animal sidekick and we are going to saturate the market with merchandise.

Oh yah. So we couldn't get the actor. He was to busy doing another thing. You know Ruben, world famous actor. We'll just say he died off screen.

Off screen? This is a book. It's pages. And Ruben, the mentor is literally lines and scribbles. He is not a living thing!

Maddie, didn't go over well with the focus groups so we're booting her to the side. There are all your annoying plot details answered?!

What about the mentor?

OK so we'll give some more time to Maddie, give them a guardian, and shut up the llama. Alright, now if you interrupt the story again I'll rip out your insides and put your shell on my doorstep.

Alright I'll continue.

Where was I, oh yes. Everything was great and fine until the most terrible thing came. Uber. Now there was no point for adventuring since an Uber could just drive you to a place. Therefore, Maddie sadly had to switch careers.

Quick, Jessica let's key it.

Maddie's house was foreclosed. Then she found out her mentor Ruben died of dysentery. And worst of all she was forced to move in with her mother, Sarah Shark. Luckily , an adventure was beginning for Maddie.

Honey dinner's ready.

Dysentery? What is this the Oregon trail?

Meanwhile, at Princess Mallory's castle. Trouble was brewing. Princess Mallory was bored!

My subjects, I'm bored and remember I control all your food sources so you better fix this.

Then her most trusty Uber driver, Raymhon talked her into a great idea. To put a bunch of citizens on an island and make them fight to death and she could watch.

So we put them on an island and then watch them and don't feel any remorse at all but its got to be sponsored by Uber.

Brilliant!

However, there was a problem. They didn't have an island. Luckily, Uber drive Raymhond stayed awake in his biology class and remembered about primary succession.

It involves destruction.

I like it all ready.

Raymhond explained that primary succession is the development of land into forests and ecosystems without soil. Princess Mallory wasn't listening sadly.

So I know you weren't listening but all you need to know is volcano, eruption, and boom, island.

Is this guy still talking to me?

So Raymhond the Uber driver and Princess Mallory went to go get a volcano because they needed it to create an island. They stole it from Evil villain Maggie.

Hey, I just paid that off and now I'm going to lose my deposit.

They then dropped it in the ocean and watched it as it erupted and murdered all the ocean life. But hey they got 70% other ocean to swim around.

Ahhh. I'm going to become calamari.

After the eruption, new islands were created. They toured them and the princess was furious because she wanted death traps and obstacles for the contestants to die by.

I will give you a one out of five stars on Uber if you do not improve this land.

Relax, princess. Uber is very reliable please don't go to Lyft.

Luckily, Raymhond had enough room to store lichens in his Uber vehicle. Ok, I swear this book is not sponsored by Uber. It's just very important to the plot.

I didn't store the lichen in a plastic bag because plastic hurts the environment.

So I was thinking plastic for the death traps. Super deadly!

Princess Mallory celebrated her victory and congratulated Raymhond. So they waited, and waited, and waited.

So um, it's nice weather we're having today.

It's raining ash Raymhond. My lungs are going to explode.

After waiting five minutes, Princess Mallory was furious nothing happened. She asked Raymhond why nothing is going on and he explained that primary succession takes hundreds of years.

How long do you think it would take it to build an ecosystem?

I thought it would be as long as I have to reheat a pizza.

Furious with the rules of nature, she chucked Raymhond into the car's trunk but realized she can't drive and made him drive in silence back to the palace.

Would you like me to play K Earth 101?

Be quiet.

Mallory was furious and was about to light all the Ubers on fire. Luckily, Raymhond remembered his college room mate had a device that speeds up time.

You went to college to drive an Uber.

No I was an English major. And who are you, random suspicious bunny.

Mallory said she didn't know this bunny but he was adorable. He introduced himself as Steven, the cute bunny. The princess agreed with Raymhond and called his college friend to come.

Does your car have an alarm?

Stay away, I ain't Daffy Duck.

Marah, the angry ghost and Raymhon's college friend arrived. He told them that he'll take them to it but it chooses the people it wants. Mallory was intrigued.

It's getting crowded in here.

Maybe it's because a 2 ton car is in here!

There was a dilemma though. Uber didn't travel to the ghost area. Mallory sent her two most trusted allies, the bunny that she just met and the angry ghost.

Why didn't you send me?

Because you discriminate. I may be a cruel heartless dictator but I am not a racist.

The two were wandering around looking for adventures, when they ran into none other then annoying sidekick, Ella. Marah and Ella hit it off.

Hello there friendly travelers.

But since nobody liked her character in the original. We made an executive decision. The bunny ate the bird. However, Ella survived in Steven's stomach

You're a herbivore!

Hello?