Against Hope

a story of hope and how determination can overcome even destiny......

On this dark night

On this dark night, everyone is asleep

but I am awake, don't ask me why

some leaves are better if they don't fall

guess I have got the wrong call

but there is still some light out there,

hope dares to blossom even in abysmal abyss.

On this dark night, everyone is asleep

but I am awake.....

--Anonymous

11 August 2019

Dear Diary, 

I feel down and depressed. I feel worthless. I don't know what is happening to me and why I am feeling this way. I have tried to make this thoughts go away. I have failed. I don't want to do MBA anymore. I don't want to tell all this to my parents either. They are highly hopeful of me. They are so proud of me and if I drop out, they really will have no face to show to other people.

Abhay

I sat alone, apart from the doppelganger that we all carry in our heads. My throat feels dry. I sit with my head in my hands. There is nothing left to live for. I pick up a pen and try to write what I am feeling. But words too seem to have abandoned me. I am unable to read or write. I am not able to comprehend.

     This is frightening, this world without words, this world of darkness and void. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to make it stop. 

The next thing I remember is that I am in the bathroom with a sharpener blade in my hand and blood flowing from my left hand.

I never felt more alone that night as I lay on my bed, sleep still evading me. I felt like a prisoner, trapped and frightened. 

        I wanted everything to just end. I did not wanted to be in this situation anymore. I was tired. I was defeated. I was broken.

3 Months later.........

I was in a place i believe i did not. But it was true. My parents came over. Their faces were grim. 

"Abhay, the senior doctors here have discussed your case. They feel that you must be kept under observation."

It sounded to me like a death sentence. I could not speak though I wanted to scream. 

"Please dad, take me home. I promise I will not do anything like that again."

I felt disgusted but the dread of being admitted in a mental Hospital made me overcome my reluctance and I pleaded again.

"Please Dad, please don't leave me here."

"Look, this is not easy for us too but we have to do this."

I didn't want to be here. How can I be admitted in a mental Hospital? I was not crazy! At that moment I hated my parents. I hated the whole world. I hated life. I hated everything. This was anachronistic.

That was when I shouted..

"I HATE YOU, BOTH OF YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS. YOU ARE MY PARENTS! DAMMIT!"

I was trembling with rage. I had tears in my eyes. 

I saw the nurse coming towards me and calling other doctors, "he is out of control."

The next thing I remember is that I was in bed, a doctor standing beside me. 

I broke out into loud sobs. The doctor came towards me and rubbed my back and said kind words. He gave me water. I said him I was sorry for the yelling earlier. 

He said "Oh, that's perfectly fine, my boy. Patients generally respond well to ECT."

I was dumbfounded. ECT? Was I given ECT (acronym for electroconvulsive therapy)? I staggered under the enormity of the realisation of what she had just said.

Doctor Sameer said," Abhay, you have a severe case of bipolar disorder."

It was the first time I was hearing that term.

Dr. Sameer explained all this to me and assured me that I will be okay. I was surprised. It was the first time in months that somebody was saying that i will be okay. It was the first time somebody was talking to me like I mattered. It was the first time that I was being assured that I need not feel guilty for something that was out of my control.