Section one: Addiction

This sections revolves around critical points in my life, there were many lows at these points but surprisingly there was some highs. It's a challenging journey to navigate addiction when it was presented to you at such a young age. This is my story, road to recovery and finding myself in midst of addiction. 

RUNNING AWAY 

I try to run away at night, 

 Dreamless, sleepless,

Waiting for sleep to kiss me. 

Lost to a world inside my mind, 

I cry and plead with the great divine,

Love me, worship me, sing to me, 

All you do is seem to lie to me, 

Unfaithful, unshakable, unattainable, 

I am begging and begging,

I need more than empty promises and broken bottles. 

- S.V.R 

SAVING GRACE 

I was once utterly alone,

Terrified of the next thought,

The next emotion, 

Of the next conclusion, 

But then I was, 

Introduced to my "Saving Grace,"

The bottle. 

Sip by sip, 

Everything faded away, 

It whispered sweet serenity, 

It spoke of a way to cope, 

In a way it gave me hope, 

It lulled my mind, my body, my spirit, 

Into a place of safety. 

My mind was located somewhere else,

I was free for that night, 

But one, became two, two to three,

and so forth.

What I didn't know, 

The bottle,

"My Saving Grace,"

Was now my best of friends, 

But also my biggest foe. 

I was numbed,

From everything, 

But trapped in that 750mL bottle,

Whispers of sweet serenity,

But lies of "you can't live without me,"

My distorted mind couldn't process,

Anything that was or came to be.

The only answer, 

The only solution,

Was the bottle.

"My Saving Grace"

I was captured,

I was caught,

I was stuck,

In that 750mL bottle.

Life continues, 

No matter what.

In glimpses of sobriety, 

I saw the truth, 

"My Saving Grace,"

Was no saviour, 

But an oppressor. 

... _______...

"She's gone."

"It's time."

I..I..I love you.

I love you. 

but I..I..I need.

I need you. 

My Saving Grace!

Please take away this agony!

This pain, 

These emotions, 

You're my saving grace, 

Not an oppressor, 

But a release, 

A safety net, 

She's gone,

But you're right here,

Within reach,

You'll never leave,

You whisper sweet serenity, 

I'm at peace when I'm with you, 

You're my saving grace,

The bottle of life. 

The bottle of happiness. 

750mL,

Of utter numbness, 

NEVER LET ME GO. 

- S.V.R

ZOPICLONE 

I've stolen.

I'm a thief. 

I'm an addict. 

Blue little pills that control my life,

Bitter metallic taste that conquers my mouth,

One, two, three,

I stop. I wait awhile, 

Four, five,

Again I stop. I wait awhile, 

Six. I stop. 

Now I reflect, 

Why did I do this? 

Why do I want more?

I'm an addict.

I'm addicted.

Blue little pills that control my life,

How desperately I crave you, 

I just want to sleep,

Let my mind go numb, 

Let my thoughts flow freely, 

I'm an addict.

I'm addicted.

Blue little pills that control my life, 

Zopiclone.

- S.V.R

CANDLELIGHT PROMISES  

There are days, hours, minutes, 

Where we all try to cope, 

Begging and wishing for hope. 

A light to shine the way, 

Cast away the darkness of the day,

But yet you choose to numb your mind,

And lull your spirit, 

For it's too much to handle,

To even carry a candle, 

In place of your sorrow and pain. 

You have nothing to gain, 

From numbing your pain away,

Cry those tears, 

Let them stream down your face, 

Moments pass,

This will not last,

I can promise you that.

But this addiction will fester,

Rot you from the inside out,

That's all I want to talk about,

So put down that bottle, 

Cry a little louder, 

Scream until your lungs give out, 

Until mama gives you a hug, 

And it will be just fine, 

So put down the bottle,

Time will pass, 

This will not last, 

Put down the bottle. 

- S.V.R

Conclusion Section One: Addiction

This concludes section one: Addiction.  Battling addiction/ the road to recovery is a continuous challenge. In my personal experience learning to be kind, gentle and empathic to yourself during this process causes for there to be less shame and guilt on yourself or whoever is battle addiction/on the road to recovery. 

If you, a loved one  or anyone you know is battling addictions/ wants to start their road to recovery and need/want some support there are links provided at the back of the book for AA and NA meetings. 

Section Two: Heartbreak

This section revolves around the extreme emotions brought out by rejection from the person who once loved you, or thought they loved you. In the end you must be able to love yourself before someone else tries to. This is so you have your own personal values and boundaries  at the beginning of the relationship. Heartbreak can be one of the most painful emotional turmoils to be feeling that can also manifest itself physically. These next few poems come from a very raw and painful place with having to face heartbreak and loneliness. 

NEVER AGAIN

I am the one, 

That's never chosen,

That has never felt love from another, 

But has given it in various of forms to others, 

I want a fairytale ending, 

With a sunset setting, 

But in the end, all that's left,

 Is a broken heart, 

A numbed mind, 

And a deep pitiful feeling of never again. 

-  S.V.R

LETTING GO

Let me go, 

Let me go, 

You've broken my heart,

For the last time. 

I refuse, 

Put my foot down,

Guard my heart, 

I guess that's a start, 

To protect myself from you.

Now why should I have to do that?

Because, 

You confuse my mind, 

Tear the soul from my body,

And destroy my heart into pieces,

All in the span of a second, 

All in the difference between hello and hey, 

My skies are grey, 

Ever since you've left my side, 

Told me you simply changed your mind,

So...

Please let me go, 

Let me go, 

You've broken my heart for the last time, 

This is the end.

No more cat and mouse, 

No more butterflies,

Cause I'm sick and tired, 

Of your lies. 

So...

Please, 

Let me go, 

Let me go, 

Let me go!

- S.V.R

GOODBYE

NOT MEANT TO BE 

You gifted me the reason why,

You gave me a reason to cry,

So now I'm in pieces, 

Broken beyond repair,

It was never fair, 

Wasted time, 

Painful memories,

Unkept promises, 

A future I can no longer see,

Cause you and I, 

Were not meant to be, 

So release me from those thoughts,

Of love, hope, possibilities, 

Mend my torn heart, 

Wipe my memory clean,

Of you and I,

Of those three words, 

Before the last goodbye.

I. LOVE. YOU.

- S.V,R

I WISH UPON A STAR  

I need somebody, 

Someone to touch, 

Someone to hold, 

Someone to love,

Someone to be mine. 

But...

All I have is emptiness,

Loneliness, 

No one to miss,

I want forever, 

But the universe says,

"Not ever,"

So I'll say "goodbye,"

For my dreams to die. 

My heart turns to dust, 

Beats to no drum, 

Just goes, 

Thump, thump, thump.

I need somebody,

Someone to touch, 

Someone to hold,

Someone to love, 

Someone to be mine. 

- S.V.R