GRADE EIGHT MATH

MRS. ABRIL

I enjoy chewing pink bubblegum. It's my favorite flavor. Perhaps I enjoy chewing it a little too much as I was called up to the front of the class by Mrs. Abril. It was the third time this week and it's only Tuesday. "Mr. Azaria, are you chewing gum in class again?" "No" I said as I tried to hide the gum under my tongue. "It is very rude to chew gum during class. It's even more rude to do it so loudly." "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." "Ahem" Mrs. Abril cleared her throat. "Oh right, I forgot to spit it out."  I spit the gum out into a tissue and dropped it in the garbage can.

As a little kid, I had a lot of nervous habits. I used to twirl my hair and bite my nails. Eventually I got hooked on pink bubblegum. A little gum here and there won't hurt you but I was obsessed. I'm not sure why but I always needed a stick of gum in my mouth. If I just chewed the gum like a normal person it wouldn't be that bad. But my chewing was so loud and annoying to everyone around me. I think a part of me did it to get a reaction. I was also constantly blowing bubbles. My goal was to blow the biggest bubble ever. As you can see, I really didn't have very high ambitions at the time.

I will not chew gum in class

I will not chew gum in class

I will not chew gum in class

I will not chew gum in class

I will not chew gum in class

I will not chew gum in class

Despite several warnings, I kept getting in trouble for chewing gum in class. Things had gotten so bad that Mrs. Abril had locked my package of Hubba Bubba in the top drawer of her desk until class ended. In response, I decided to sneak a couple of back-up packages in my pencil case. My gum chewing was really getting out of hand. Even my friends had had enough of the constant smacking noises I'd make. At one point I had five packages of gum on the go. I was able to pull it off for a while until I got busted by Mrs. Abril again. She made me stay after class to write lines on the chalkboard.

I heard all kinds of crazy rumors about what happens when you swallow gum. It's not good for you but it's harmless and it eventually works it way through your digestive system. But as a kid, you tend not to listen to common sense. I had all kinds of wild thoughts in my head about what would happen to me if I swallowed my gum. I just couldn't make myself do it. That was until one fateful morning when I was caught yet again by Mrs. Abril. "Mr. Azaria, tell me you're not chewing gum in my classroom?" GULP! "No Mrs. Abril. See?" I replied as I opened my mouth as wide as I could. "I guess you're telling the truth this time."

I just couldn't stop chewing gum in class and so I learned to swallow it anytime the teacher was looking in my direction. After a few days I was starting to feel sick. My stomach really started to hurt. What if the gum had become stuck in my system? Was that dangerous? I was in such discomfort that I couldn't participate in gym class. For such a hyper kid, not being able to run around with my friends and play football was awful. I kept up my nasty little habit as I kept my tummy troubles to myself.

On a crisp May morning, I woke up, had breakfast, and headed off for school. But while I was taking my usual route, my stomach began to make some weird gurgling noises. I was doubled over in pain as I felt as though my body was being filled with air like a giant balloon. I'm not sure if it was my imagination or not but I was sure that my body was starting to expand. The buttons began to pop off my shirt as I felt different articles of clothing being thrown from my body. And then the feeling went away. I had literally burst out of my clothes. I really hope nobody recognizes me.

I was going to have to go back home and get some new clothes. But when I tried to take a step, I ended up rolling forward instead. I attempted to open up my school bag only to realize that I didn't have any arms. When I went to yell for help, a big pink bubble popped out of my mouth. This was all so strange. What was happening to me? And then it hit me, all that gum in my belly had turned me into a giant gumball! The more I shouted, the lighter I became. Before I knew it I was starting to soar up into the sky. 

Any other time this would've been the coolest thing ever. But this was pretty scary stuff. Weeks of swallowing gum had some unnatural affect on my stomach and now I was helpless to stop the side effects. "This is your Captain speaking, if you look to your right you'll see.....Holy Cow! It's a giant flying gumball!" The passengers on the plane looked at me with a mix of shock and wonder. Soon they all took out their cameras and iPhones and started taking pictures. I tried to stop my ascent but was helpless as I kept floating upwards through the clouds.

I passed through the clouds which were actually kinda cool and refreshing. Oh no! Now I'm heading into outer space! I had no idea where I was going to end up. Earth looked like a tiny marble to me as I floated higher and higher. While I was up there I encountered a space shuttle that was in the middle of some sort of space mission. "You gotta love the peaceful calm out here in space and.......Holy Cow! It's a giant flying gumball! Suit up Pilot!" "But why?" "No time to explain just follow my orders!" the other astronaut demanded.

The two astronauts got their spacesuits on and hurried out of the shuttle. "Are we in some sort of danger Commander?" "No. Now take my iPhone while I pose next to this gumball." "Really? Of all the wonders of space, this is what you want a picture of?" "Snap that picture Pilot!" "Yes Sir" the pilot groaned. CLICK! "Houston, we got a selfie!" the Commander chuckled to himself. This lead me to wonder, if a joke bombs in outer space, does anyone hear it? Thankfully I continued my upward trajectory and didn't have to stick around for more selfies.