This book is NOT for children. If there are any within a five million mile radius, cover their eyes and ears, or burn them off if you must. Children left unattended will not be given espresso and a free kitten. They'll get nothing more than a lot of questions, and some very uncomfortable answers. Proceed with caution.

Important Notice

Chapter 1: So Your Plates Are Getting Divorced

 Once, your tectonic plates were in love, and now they’re not. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. It’s time to go back a few millions years, to one VERY special day; the day that the little stockpile of magma that would one day be you first started making its way to the surface.. 

 Your parents were (relatively) young (only about 20,000 million years old), naive and desperate for love, which made them think that they had finally found "the one."

To be fair, there weren't many other options.

You see, when two tectonic plates love each other very much, they might...

and from there, a few changes might start springing up.

hug...

 One of those being the little mountain that would one day become you. 

 However, that wasn't exactly the plan, which led to a rushed ceremony and a lot of friction between your plates.

wahhh!

You don't have nerve endings.

 Especially about the consequences of your dad's excellent subduction skills.

You don't understand the pain that you've caused me!

Chapter 2: So Your Plates Love Your Brother More Than You, Even Though He Doesn't Have A Name

 As the plates began to grow tired of each other(and Timmy), they began to grow apart.

And so, Timmy had a genius idea.(You're an idiot, Timmy.)

 I would like to take a small break to say that Timmy was a rather selfish individual: he was such an idiot that no one wanted to be friends with him. And so, he devised the perfect plan: he would trick his parents into having another child. 

!

 And, surprisingly...

It worked.

 After only 7 months, a little Mid-Ocean ridge was born, which, as a result of its premature birth, had horrible asthma.

Sadly, however, Timmy's parents didn't feel any convection with the child: they didn't even name him.

 And so, Timmy took it upon himself to name his younger brother.

 He mulled it over in his head for a few months, before coming up with Benjamin.

 However, as we've already established, Timmy was as dumb as a box of rocks, so it ended up looking like this;

BanGyouMIimImimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimmim

 Not that it was Timmy's fault that he was such an idiot: he never had any education, either at the primary or sedimentary level. No one's perfect; even God's allergic to peanuts.

 (If you know what that's a picture of, you best keep on laughing until you die, because I'm way  too proud of it to let you live if you don't.)

 However, over time, the plates "reconciled" and were able to accept  BanGyouMIimImi...etc as their own.

 But Timmy? 

They kind of just forgot that he existed.

BanGyouMinmimiImimimimimimimI, Age: 3.2 Billion years

Goo goo ga ga

(I'm the favorite child, you sad sack pile of rocks)

WHO PUT GOD IN A CUP

i can't stand this much longer

WHY DID I PUT GOD IN A CUP

I hear that you are dealing in drugs?

put the book down, for the love of god, put it down

WHY IS GOD IN A CUP

the lights are getting too bright in here

regardless of what you scream down from your gilded throne...

You will not be their salvation.

2/14/12

Chapter 3: It's All Your Fault, Timmy

 After about 3,000 million years, Timmy's plates(or your plates, or my plates, or whatever: I don't know what's real anymore) were continuing to steadily move apart.

 Sure, it wasn't a very clean split, and they certainly had some fun before it was over, but, like all things, it ended nonetheless. 

 And you know what? I'm not going to dumb it down for you.

It's all your fault.

 What kind of idiot suggests having a child to fix a marriage?

 You should have just been happy while it lasted, but instead, you took their love for granite.

I can see it now, in your, weird, googly eyes.

 You finally understand the shear extent of what you've done. You've transformed your family for the worst, left BanGyouMIimImi without a guide in life.

 You're nothing but a selfish little pebble trying to make a mountain out of every molehill, with nothing behind your vacant expression but a brain full of rocks and a heart of stone.

 No one lavas you, Timmy.

 In fact, your parents despise you so deeply that they actually wrote most of the rock puns in this book.

Whenever your parents asked something of you, you always pyrocrastinated.

What's wrong?

Am I eroding down your confidence?

Good.

I didn't know that it was possible to slate anything that much, let alone your own child.

Chapter 4: Father Figure For Hire

 This book isn't over yet? Oh my. Why are you even still reading this? Were you not traumatized enough earlier?

Then again, I've already told you to put it down. I guess that it makes sense that you wouldn't now.

This is your last chance.

 Timmy was alone, but he wasn't dying. And that was the problem, really. Everyone and everything dies alone. It's the road there that's supposed to make up someone's experiences. But he was alive, and well, and alone.

(You weren't expecting anything this existential, were you? Too bad. The main story is already over, so something has to fluff out the remaining pages. This is your own fault. If you put the book down, this ends. Sure, Timmy's in a bad position, but that doesn't mean that he always will be. So how about you make this easier for the two of us, three of us, really, and just put the book down.) 

 But that doesn't mean that he was without resources. Over the course of his 8,000 million year old life, he had of course managed to collect a fortune: two dollars of gross human money worthless to a volcano. But, it was still better than nothing, even though that's essentially what he had.

Weird Australian money.

I don't actually represent anything.

do not believe their lies

Australia does not exist

 Timmy didn't even have the cents to collect Canadian currency.

We may be on an inferior form of coinage, but our healthcare surpasses all!

 However, as crazy as it seems, he was able to find a solution to his dilemma:

Father Figure For Hire($2)

Will Never Give You Up Or Let You Down

 Before Timmy could even fill out his order, an oddly dressed man crawled out of the ocean and stole his money.

 For a few moments, he feared that his chances of ever having a fulfilling parental relationship had been shattered.

 However, the man then looked at him, and he knew that his hopes were not quite dead as he uttered a single sentence.

Is this seriously in Australian Dollars?

 After that, Father and son were inseparable.

They did everything together:

Hung out at the beach...

Ahhhhh!!! why is that crab so huge

 Sought out the meaning of life...

And even violated the Geneva Convention.

Room for one more...

Oh, me no!

 However, once the day ended, Rick turned away from Timmy, with tears in his eyes.

 "What's wrong?", Timmy asked.

  "You only paid me for the night." 

 Timmy turned around, wanting to ask him to stay, to say that he'd get more money, that he'd do whatever was needed to make him stay.